Battlefield~
I have been on the battle of not being co-dependent!!!!
Everyday it is looking at my boundaries and sticking to my guns or creating new ones. Yesterday was eye open the word NO is a huge word and is the super word!
I have had to tell my husband it is not OK, put he wacky away, I am really sorry and mean it and dropping subjects for 3 weeks . I am pulling my hair out!
I want share that I start co dependent no more and boundaries.I will be sharing! Talk to you soon!
Friday, November 12, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Last night at meeting
It was a hard night......
We started to talk about our chapter work "counterproductive" and thing that really stood out to me was I have been in crisis for 17 years and I have no clue how not to be in crisis. I have thought I did not want to be in crisis but I don't know how not to be.My entire life has been one Crisis after another and I don't know how not to be in that since of what's next or now what, or how do I fix this. I going to have to get out of of this cycle and remove all thing that can cause Crisis and change how I deal with it. I am very confused how to take the next step. We will have to see were this goes and how God guides me through this.
ALSO
Jack and I are still stuck in the other day. Rewind and go back a couple of days. Jack and I have been working on boundaries and communication. I had come to him on Monday and talk about a boundary we had made Saturday and how it made me feel when he through the book down in my direction. Also about our son and how his old behavior with our son was coming out. ( he has been a horrible Dad due to his jealous of my time, and he thought I love him more, which was probably true). Before I talk to him I had shared "I had prayed about this and I am tying to be calm as speak without anger". Well a minutes into the conversation I was belittling and talking down him and he was mad. This has lead to 2 days of fighting. Once again has lead me into a downward spiral. Not good for us and not good for me. We did settle it by me giving and saying I was sorry again just to end it. Now this lead to last night. I came to Jack after group and said I have a new skill before I talk to you I am going to say this " I have a problem o concern and I need to talk to you about it and I am tying to speak in a loving way" .............. Not second when I was done he said I need to lean to talk his language because he talks mine. I shut down and now am tuned off! WOW what is going to happen now!
We started to talk about our chapter work "counterproductive" and thing that really stood out to me was I have been in crisis for 17 years and I have no clue how not to be in crisis. I have thought I did not want to be in crisis but I don't know how not to be.My entire life has been one Crisis after another and I don't know how not to be in that since of what's next or now what, or how do I fix this. I going to have to get out of of this cycle and remove all thing that can cause Crisis and change how I deal with it. I am very confused how to take the next step. We will have to see were this goes and how God guides me through this.
ALSO
Jack and I are still stuck in the other day. Rewind and go back a couple of days. Jack and I have been working on boundaries and communication. I had come to him on Monday and talk about a boundary we had made Saturday and how it made me feel when he through the book down in my direction. Also about our son and how his old behavior with our son was coming out. ( he has been a horrible Dad due to his jealous of my time, and he thought I love him more, which was probably true). Before I talk to him I had shared "I had prayed about this and I am tying to be calm as speak without anger". Well a minutes into the conversation I was belittling and talking down him and he was mad. This has lead to 2 days of fighting. Once again has lead me into a downward spiral. Not good for us and not good for me. We did settle it by me giving and saying I was sorry again just to end it. Now this lead to last night. I came to Jack after group and said I have a new skill before I talk to you I am going to say this " I have a problem o concern and I need to talk to you about it and I am tying to speak in a loving way" .............. Not second when I was done he said I need to lean to talk his language because he talks mine. I shut down and now am tuned off! WOW what is going to happen now!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Sometime recovery is muddy....
Today as I was getting ready for group, I was working on my "The Healing Choice Guildebook" by Susan Allen. It is the second time through and this time it seems to be bringing back memories. Ones that I Just don't want to feel. I guess that's why I waited for the last minute to do it.
One things that have hit me is that, I was petty messed up before we met but I also realized that that why I picked Jack. In this week study it also talked about counter productive behavior. I didn't think until today that I had those traits but, "yes" I am a queen of this behavior. My best of these behaviors are
One things that have hit me is that, I was petty messed up before we met but I also realized that that why I picked Jack. In this week study it also talked about counter productive behavior. I didn't think until today that I had those traits but, "yes" I am a queen of this behavior. My best of these behaviors are
- Make threats to leave but never follow through
- Create situations where you were indispensable (WOW!!!! I did this in part of life)
- Always had a crisis or problem (in everything)
Woke up on edge!!
It's all about my Nerves today, Not sure why I think I am feeling overwhelmed with life right now. Church, school, work, kids advents and add to that just woke wounder how and why I got here.
As I sat back and thought about my family I remember my grandparents loving my husband more then me.
I guess I need to go back and touch on my grandparents before I explain this feeling. As a teen I was a wild creature that wanted love. My grandparents were from the time frame of the depression and just did get were I was from. They were very quit and reserved. I on the other hand was loud and doing everything for attention. My poor Mom had been perfect child growing up and here she had me. The biggest thing I remember from my grandparents was she is just like her DAD! That was the F word in our house. My Dad was loser and when I heard that it was a cut to my heart. YES, I had pulled some stuff on them. They bought me car and I crashed it and I need to pay them for it and never did I also had done many other things that were not provable things but they knew it was me. Once again I was like my DAD! I had my son out of marriage and once again I must be like my DAD! Then I moved away and was not successful. I was not a perfect child. I know they loved me but did not know what to do with me and I know I broke their hearts.
When I met my husband he was in the military and I think they thought now she will be taken care of. Jack with all his charm and manipulation made himself look like prince charming. My Grandparents were perfect targets. He know what to say and how to make them feel he was perfect guy. They actually for a time like me again because he was such a great guy. I remember thinking well maybe they will like me now. So I jump on that and rode the ride for awhile. This came to crash when Jack and I bought a Car from them and Jack borrow money from Grandma. The problem is we never paid them even though I had wish to but there was the comet "we don't have the money" (there was always money for cigs and liquor). The thing was it became my fault Jack stood there shinning as I sat in mud. I not sure how it happen but they loved him and I was a disappointment. I was crushed. Of course they didn't know my husband was not just emotional abusive but had been physical abusive and was addict sex in every way. He had treated me so badly and had broken me and now he was the one they loved. It was heart breaking and this was all part of me crawling in my box. The box that I could not get out of until a break down in 2009. Which I have to say was best thing that could of happen!
Today I ask why but I will chose to see color..... Thank you LORD!
As I sat back and thought about my family I remember my grandparents loving my husband more then me.
I guess I need to go back and touch on my grandparents before I explain this feeling. As a teen I was a wild creature that wanted love. My grandparents were from the time frame of the depression and just did get were I was from. They were very quit and reserved. I on the other hand was loud and doing everything for attention. My poor Mom had been perfect child growing up and here she had me. The biggest thing I remember from my grandparents was she is just like her DAD! That was the F word in our house. My Dad was loser and when I heard that it was a cut to my heart. YES, I had pulled some stuff on them. They bought me car and I crashed it and I need to pay them for it and never did I also had done many other things that were not provable things but they knew it was me. Once again I was like my DAD! I had my son out of marriage and once again I must be like my DAD! Then I moved away and was not successful. I was not a perfect child. I know they loved me but did not know what to do with me and I know I broke their hearts.
When I met my husband he was in the military and I think they thought now she will be taken care of. Jack with all his charm and manipulation made himself look like prince charming. My Grandparents were perfect targets. He know what to say and how to make them feel he was perfect guy. They actually for a time like me again because he was such a great guy. I remember thinking well maybe they will like me now. So I jump on that and rode the ride for awhile. This came to crash when Jack and I bought a Car from them and Jack borrow money from Grandma. The problem is we never paid them even though I had wish to but there was the comet "we don't have the money" (there was always money for cigs and liquor). The thing was it became my fault Jack stood there shinning as I sat in mud. I not sure how it happen but they loved him and I was a disappointment. I was crushed. Of course they didn't know my husband was not just emotional abusive but had been physical abusive and was addict sex in every way. He had treated me so badly and had broken me and now he was the one they loved. It was heart breaking and this was all part of me crawling in my box. The box that I could not get out of until a break down in 2009. Which I have to say was best thing that could of happen!
Today I ask why but I will chose to see color..... Thank you LORD!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Rambling
Today~~
Has been a good one so fare I have been home today~ My day off. J and I have had a hard couple of days. I am in woman's group and in my group we are working on boundaries and it has brought back a lot memories why did I let this happen or why didn't I see this. It is amazing what I can recall and want to forget.It amazing also the fear that comes in when you stand for your first boundary. In two years I thought I had learned but it still as had as yesterday. I am learning that a boundary is for mental safety or is controlling (CONTROLLING is BAD). Controlling ~ all sex addict wives know it is how we try to stop the behavior~~ Let me tell you it does not work........ NOT AT ALL!!!!!
My Group~ I find women of all back grounds and all shape and sizes are trying to recover from this addiction. In fact the first time walk in my women of sex addict recovery group I thought why did these men cheat. Their all perfect, beautiful, and loving. "WHY" would they need anything else. I know that all of this has nothing to do with us, me or you, it is their sickness and no matter what we look like if a man is sex addict they will look else were to get their fix. I have learned so much and as i go through this Journey I will share what I have learned.
Has been a good one so fare I have been home today~ My day off. J and I have had a hard couple of days. I am in woman's group and in my group we are working on boundaries and it has brought back a lot memories why did I let this happen or why didn't I see this. It is amazing what I can recall and want to forget.It amazing also the fear that comes in when you stand for your first boundary. In two years I thought I had learned but it still as had as yesterday. I am learning that a boundary is for mental safety or is controlling (CONTROLLING is BAD). Controlling ~ all sex addict wives know it is how we try to stop the behavior~~ Let me tell you it does not work........ NOT AT ALL!!!!!
My Group~ I find women of all back grounds and all shape and sizes are trying to recover from this addiction. In fact the first time walk in my women of sex addict recovery group I thought why did these men cheat. Their all perfect, beautiful, and loving. "WHY" would they need anything else. I know that all of this has nothing to do with us, me or you, it is their sickness and no matter what we look like if a man is sex addict they will look else were to get their fix. I have learned so much and as i go through this Journey I will share what I have learned.
I am not a writer!
Good morning!
I am not a writer but I think I need to be brave enough to share the story of my recovery. I am a wife of 17 years that has been in fight of my life for 2 years to recover from the hurt and pain of sex addiction. My husband has been in recovery for 1 year and has been fighting to become the man of God he needs to be. It is a every day struggle. I want to share with you that "YOU ARE NOT ALONE" There are 100,000 thousands of us but most are suffering in silent.
I was silent in my co dependency for 16 years and now am finding myself again. Sounds weird but I am finally seeing color again. As I go through this journey I will share how I found out and what has happen.
Today I will share about myself. I was born in the early 70's to parents that were very involved in our church. When I was 4 yeas old things became difficult for me as child because my father cousin molested me. I tried to tell but back then it was sweep under the rug and not talked about it again. When I was 8 my father became very absent in life and he himself was out having affairs (another sex addict) and acting out. By the time I was 9 he was out of our lives. Which now I look back and it was the best thing that could of happen. Junior high is when I think I knew I was a little messed up I had friends but no one close and I just didn't think I was good enough. So I created a world of fantasy to get through the daily grinned.
When I had hit High School I found a good friend. I spent all time with her I could we played volleyball and had a lot of fun but I once again did not feel good enough to fit in with some of the people around me and I truly started to act out.. High School was a scary place for me. I looked for trouble and friend was my balance. I was probably overwhelming for her. I now see how I was Counter dependent and she co dependent. Some times switched. As years went on I was looking for love in all the wrong places and ended up pregnant by 17. I wanted to keep him so bad but I was alone. I ran from home and was living on my own with another unhealthy friend. At that point I offered money for an abortion and took it but never follow through. I gave my son up for adoption 2 days after he was born. The hardest thing I ever did.
As I go through my journey I will share pieces which lead to my husband and why I feel it all lead to me becoming a sex addict wife!
I am not a writer but I think I need to be brave enough to share the story of my recovery. I am a wife of 17 years that has been in fight of my life for 2 years to recover from the hurt and pain of sex addiction. My husband has been in recovery for 1 year and has been fighting to become the man of God he needs to be. It is a every day struggle. I want to share with you that "YOU ARE NOT ALONE" There are 100,000 thousands of us but most are suffering in silent.
I was silent in my co dependency for 16 years and now am finding myself again. Sounds weird but I am finally seeing color again. As I go through this journey I will share how I found out and what has happen.
Today I will share about myself. I was born in the early 70's to parents that were very involved in our church. When I was 4 yeas old things became difficult for me as child because my father cousin molested me. I tried to tell but back then it was sweep under the rug and not talked about it again. When I was 8 my father became very absent in life and he himself was out having affairs (another sex addict) and acting out. By the time I was 9 he was out of our lives. Which now I look back and it was the best thing that could of happen. Junior high is when I think I knew I was a little messed up I had friends but no one close and I just didn't think I was good enough. So I created a world of fantasy to get through the daily grinned.
When I had hit High School I found a good friend. I spent all time with her I could we played volleyball and had a lot of fun but I once again did not feel good enough to fit in with some of the people around me and I truly started to act out.. High School was a scary place for me. I looked for trouble and friend was my balance. I was probably overwhelming for her. I now see how I was Counter dependent and she co dependent. Some times switched. As years went on I was looking for love in all the wrong places and ended up pregnant by 17. I wanted to keep him so bad but I was alone. I ran from home and was living on my own with another unhealthy friend. At that point I offered money for an abortion and took it but never follow through. I gave my son up for adoption 2 days after he was born. The hardest thing I ever did.
As I go through my journey I will share pieces which lead to my husband and why I feel it all lead to me becoming a sex addict wife!
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