It's all about my Nerves today, Not sure why I think I am feeling overwhelmed with life right now. Church, school, work, kids advents and add to that just woke wounder how and why I got here.
As I sat back and thought about my family I remember my grandparents loving my husband more then me.
I guess I need to go back and touch on my grandparents before I explain this feeling. As a teen I was a wild creature that wanted love. My grandparents were from the time frame of the depression and just did get were I was from. They were very quit and reserved. I on the other hand was loud and doing everything for attention. My poor Mom had been perfect child growing up and here she had me. The biggest thing I remember from my grandparents was she is just like her DAD! That was the F word in our house. My Dad was loser and when I heard that it was a cut to my heart. YES, I had pulled some stuff on them. They bought me car and I crashed it and I need to pay them for it and never did I also had done many other things that were not provable things but they knew it was me. Once again I was like my DAD! I had my son out of marriage and once again I must be like my DAD! Then I moved away and was not successful. I was not a perfect child. I know they loved me but did not know what to do with me and I know I broke their hearts.
When I met my husband he was in the military and I think they thought now she will be taken care of. Jack with all his charm and manipulation made himself look like prince charming. My Grandparents were perfect targets. He know what to say and how to make them feel he was perfect guy. They actually for a time like me again because he was such a great guy. I remember thinking well maybe they will like me now. So I jump on that and rode the ride for awhile. This came to crash when Jack and I bought a Car from them and Jack borrow money from Grandma. The problem is we never paid them even though I had wish to but there was the comet "we don't have the money" (there was always money for cigs and liquor). The thing was it became my fault Jack stood there shinning as I sat in mud. I not sure how it happen but they loved him and I was a disappointment. I was crushed. Of course they didn't know my husband was not just emotional abusive but had been physical abusive and was addict sex in every way. He had treated me so badly and had broken me and now he was the one they loved. It was heart breaking and this was all part of me crawling in my box. The box that I could not get out of until a break down in 2009. Which I have to say was best thing that could of happen!
Today I ask why but I will chose to see color..... Thank you LORD!
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